hol6

Fighting the feelings.

The chesty pains when I leave the house..

Feeling like people are looking at me..

The desperation to get out of that queue in the local grocery store because its all too much..

The need to get back to MY home and my comfortable surroundings..

The desire to get the hell away from hustle and bustle of people going about their lives..

The suffocating feeling that the world is closing in around you.

 

I have had these feelings before, many times, over the years. I can sense them right in the far depths of my being and I refuse to let them bombard me. I absolutely will not be brought down by these feelings. I refuse to let them consume me or beat me.

Depression is such an evil and misunderstood illness.  Anxiety is soul destroying and life consuming.

I hate it because I have no reason to feel “down” … my life is grand. I have three beautiful children who bring me so much joy, a husband who loves me dearly and is my rock and a great support network of friends and family… yet still the black cloud is starting to form in the distance and is heading for me. Why, when your life is happy, busy, full of love, do these feelings still start to take over?

Why does it make you feel uncomfortable to leave your own home? I feel secure and wrapped in my safety blanket indoors and start to feel terror, thinking about leaving the house. Why?

The recognition of these feelings lingering is scary. I’ve been here before and don’t particularly want to be there again. I have a baby and 2 older children to focus on. A renewal of vows to focus on. A blog to write. I have plenty of distractions. Distraction is needed.

I can do this. Focusing on all the good that is going on around me. Not letting the dark cloud reach me and take over my world. That cloud needs to disperse and not return.

I can beat this. I am focused.

This Girl Can

Spectrum Sunday