hol6

All About Me – Day 1- #Blogtober17

This month I am joining in on a blog challenge! Blogtober 2017. I will blog every day for a whole month! Today is Day 1 and the subject is “All About Me”.

So here goes!!

blogtober17, all about me

I am Lucie, a 38 year old mother of 3 and Wife to Ed! Married for 9 years… together for almost 16 years!!  We live in West Sussex. My beautiful children are Izzy, almost 15, Xavier is 11 and Fraser is 5 months old.

I am 2nd oldest of 4 girls! Yes! Three sisters! It was MURDER growing up haha! Mum & Dad have been married for 42 years.  Dad sadly has been diagnosed with Alzheimers so very tough times ahead for all of us. This makes me so so sad.

I started writing my blog 4 and a half years ago when I was going through struggles with the education system with Xavier who is Autistic. After two mainstream schools failed him he is now in the most amazing Special Needs School and thriving. I love writing. I really wish I had discovered Blogging sooner! There is the most amazing community of people that comes with the blogging world! So friendly and helpful. I have made lots of friends through this too and met some real lovely people.

 

Other things I love to do…. enter competitions! I have been a little slack lately but this has been my hobby for almost 12 years now! I have won some amazing prizes in that time. A trip to New York in 2007 and a trip to Dubai in 2012 are by far my two best ever wins! Just incredible! I have won so many lovely things that I have been able to gift to family and friends that I wouldn’t be able to afford. Cameras, mobiles, iPads, toys, vouchers, an american fridge freezer, microwave… the list really is endless. I also got the chance to meet David Beckham 7 years ago through competitions! A fellow comper won the chance but couldn’t go so let me go instead! I was beside myself. Very beautiful and very lovely man! Below is Ed and I in New York on our prize trip!

New York, competition, winner

I also love football!! My daughter does too! She played league football for 6 years but sadly at the end of last season her team folded so I am now lost on Sundays. I used to love watching her play. We are the football fans and the males in the house aren’t fussed! Not sure about Fraser yet! Hopefully he will be a footballer.

 

I love my family, I love to cook, I love reading books but I don’t seem to have the time to do that anymore. Same with drawing. I used to do a lot of that but don’t have spare time these days! Haha! The joys of motherhood! Something else I really enjoy is listening to music. I don’t do it often enough. It is so therapeutic.

 

all about me, blog challenge, family,

 

I will openly admit to suffering from Depression on and off for most of my adult life. I’m currently on a bit of a downwards spiral with Post Natal Depression but fighting it hard. Writing this blog helps me so much. Writing in general I find a massive help, it is a great release. It should be spoken about and not be a taboo subject.

 

So this is me! Mum, cook, cleaner, cuddler, wifey, daughter, sister, referee, taxi service, slightly crazy, life loving, blog writing Lucie!

 

#Blogtober17

 

 

hol6

Post Natal Meltdown

The meltdown has begun. I have been dreading this for a while. It has been slowly creeping up on me.

My head feels heavy. My chest feels like it is bearing the weight of 100 elephants.

I am fighting so hard to stop the tears from flowing. It is back.

I feel lost under a black cloud.

I feel alone even though I have people around me.The walls are closing in, I’m trapped.

My mind is not where I want it to be. It has been taken over by the negativity.

I don’t want this battle, I don’t have the energy to fight.

I’m tired, no exhausted and don’t have the strength to stand tall.

I am not me. Where did “me” go? I want her back. I have a responsibility. I need to get up and fight this with every ounce of my being.

How can I find this strength?  I admit defeat…. I need help! I need support. I need positivity.

My ability to focus has disappeared. Gone. Vanished into thin air.

This place is familiar and not a place I have fond memories of or a place I wanted to revisit.

I feel nauseous and dizzy. My brain is mush, there is so much… too much going on in there.

Just want to sleep. For a week! Want to hide under the security of my duvet. But I can’t.

I have lost myself. I need to find me, pamper me, treat me and be kind to me.

I am a very lucky mum to have 3 beautiful healthy children.

I am a very lucky wife to have such a supportive and loving husband.

But I’m still lost!! I’m drowning, drowning in the inability to control my emotions and feelings.

I hate this feeling so much. I hate that I can’t fight it. I hate that it is taking over.

My heart beats so hard it feels like it will rip through my chest. I have to take a deep breath. I have to calm down. It’s so hard. The anxiety is so hard.

I need to be ME again.

On a mission to find ME!

depression, sadness, anxiety, PND

 

 

hol6

Fighting the feelings.

The chesty pains when I leave the house..

Feeling like people are looking at me..

The desperation to get out of that queue in the local grocery store because its all too much..

The need to get back to MY home and my comfortable surroundings..

The desire to get the hell away from hustle and bustle of people going about their lives..

The suffocating feeling that the world is closing in around you.

 

I have had these feelings before, many times, over the years. I can sense them right in the far depths of my being and I refuse to let them bombard me. I absolutely will not be brought down by these feelings. I refuse to let them consume me or beat me.

Depression is such an evil and misunderstood illness.  Anxiety is soul destroying and life consuming.

I hate it because I have no reason to feel “down” … my life is grand. I have three beautiful children who bring me so much joy, a husband who loves me dearly and is my rock and a great support network of friends and family… yet still the black cloud is starting to form in the distance and is heading for me. Why, when your life is happy, busy, full of love, do these feelings still start to take over?

Why does it make you feel uncomfortable to leave your own home? I feel secure and wrapped in my safety blanket indoors and start to feel terror, thinking about leaving the house. Why?

The recognition of these feelings lingering is scary. I’ve been here before and don’t particularly want to be there again. I have a baby and 2 older children to focus on. A renewal of vows to focus on. A blog to write. I have plenty of distractions. Distraction is needed.

I can do this. Focusing on all the good that is going on around me. Not letting the dark cloud reach me and take over my world. That cloud needs to disperse and not return.

I can beat this. I am focused.

This Girl Can

Spectrum Sunday
hol6

It’s the Little Things

……that really mean so much!

Since Xavier joined his amazing new school in April his confidence has grown greatly! It really blows me away. It may only be little things to most people but they are huge to me. He can do up the buttons on his polo shirt…. he can put on his own socks… he eats ham… he actually asked me if he could try a pistachio nut the other day. He is wanting to try new things. This evening I had sweet potato for the first time and he tried a bit and didn’t like it but he just ate it and didn’t run to the bin to spit it out. He is becoming more independent with going to the toilet at home. Yes, he is almost 10 years old but he has dyspraxia which affects his motor skills. He has sensory issues too and his toileting issues have been apparent for many years now. He came home from school last week with a Star of The Week certificate for “talking to an adult when he gets angry or frustrated”. I am so incredibly proud of him!

I have been (still am) really unwell lately with my mental health and other things… too many to list here and the last thing I want to do is bore you haha! Izabel has been offering to do little chores for me at home to take the strain off. I think she sees that I am struggling and is being very grown up and really helping me out. Again it may only be little things like loading or unloading the dishwasher or feeding the cats but it all helps. I cannot believe she will be 13 in a matter of weeks! How on earth am I a mother to a teenager? Where did those years go? She is a good girl, despite her usual hormonal strops and I am incredibly proud of her too! She is growing up to be a very beautiful, kind and caring young lady.

Never take the “little things” for granted. I certainly won’t!

hol6

From the Heart

I have been bottling this all up for months… years even!

I feel broken! I am married with 2 beautiful children but feel completely on my own and feel that everything is closing in around me. My world is crashing down. Broken.

I have spent nearly all day today in tears. I feel so down. I just have to deal with it though. I have to be strong. Right now I don’t feel I can carry this “I’m ok” falseness anymore. I’m not a fake person so why am I pretending to be ok? I feel like a fraud.

I recently received my son Xavier’s report from the Educational Psychologist and since reading it EVERYTHING has hit me like a ton of bricks! I deal with all this on my own. I deal with the Autism on my own, the schooling issues on my own, the specialist and hospital appointments, the violence and rage after a bad day at school, the bullied child…. on my own. I deal with my daughter who is going through massive changes in her life right now… she’s started to develop, so hormones are well and truly kicking in, she has to deal with her brothers violence sometimes, she is moving to secondary school in september, she’s asking about periods and puberty… I’m dealing with it all on my own. That is my job as Mum I know but I thought along this long and bumpy road of Parenthood, I would have some support. Nothing.

I have had 3 breakdowns previously. I have been sat on my kitchen floor hugging my knees and rocking and screaming to be locked up in a mental hospital. Crying out for help. Nothing.

I have come through those breakdowns all on my own! I made the decision a couple of years ago to come off my anti depressants as I was starting to feel better and knew I could do it… on my own. I did too! I did it! I picked myself up… dusted myself off and was stronger than I had been for a good few years…. until now.

I feel like I have been falling and falling for months and months on end and now I have hit that very unhappy place called Rock Bottom! That place I didn’t want to return to… ever! Like being stuck in quick sand and reaching out and struggling to keep from getting sucked in…. but I am drowning in that quick sand.

I shouldn’t be dealing with all of this on my own at all and that adds to my sadness. My kids are my WORLD I love them to the moon and back a million times over. I want to be the best mum I can be at all times. I want them to feel they can open up their little hearts to me about anything and everything. I want them to be happy. I want to be happy!

As soon as I found out my son had Autism I ordered loads of books, visited lots of websites and totally knackered google trying to find out everything there is to know about Autism so I can be prepared and deal with it in the best way I possibly can. Why can’t others put a bit of effort into this? Should it be just me doing this or making these steps? We have this in our lives now forever and I have embraced that. I love my son for who he is. I would not change him for anything and I accept the Autism. Why can’t others who are close to him accept him for who he is? He has been through so much and must do on a daily basis, he is in his 2nd mainstream school at the moment and this still isn’t the right setting for him so I am hoping and praying that he gets his Statement of Educational Needs so he can be moved to a Special Needs school. He is 8 and he has cried to me that he doesn’t want to live anymore and can I take away his Autism as he wants to be normal. It breaks my heart.

I have been battling this for so long now, people say to me “Oh you’re so strong!” No no! I must just be a good actress as I feel as though I am going to crumble into a million pieces any time now. I didn’t sign up for this to do it on my own! I take my hat off to those who do!

I will ALWAYS be there for my children until the day I die…. but sometimes… just sometimes, I need a hug and need someone to tell me that everything is going to be ok.