Renewing our Vows

 

Ed and I met and got together in October 2001! Yes that is almost 16 years together!! That is such a long time to spend with someone! It has been awesome and it has been horrible at times. He won’t mind me saying it and will agree. We have had some very tough times over the years but here we still are going strong.  Three months we had been together when we found out I was pregnant with our first child! Oops! Not planned no but seen as we didn’t know each other very well at that point I was petrified that he would do a runner and I’d be a single parent. Quite the opposite! He was over joyed to find out he was going to be a Daddy! We got a lot of stick from people thinking it was too soon/ things wouldn’t last…. HAHA! Here we are!

We’ve gone on to have 2 more children since and he really is the most awesome Daddy! He isn’t around a huge amount of the time because he works, he works his arse off in fact! Ed has just achieved 15 years service at his job closely followed by a promotion! I am so proud of him for that. He really deserves it. He NEVER takes time off sick even when really is poorly.

So June 2008 we tied the knot, it was a very small affair but was beautiful. We had our 2 children with us and a handful of family and friends. So next year we will be celebrating 10 years of marriage and have decided to renew our vows and this time around we will have our THREE children with us. Our family is complete now and we are stronger than we ever have been so decided it was the perfect time to do it.

 

I loved my dress so much! I had so many wonderful comments on it. I truly felt like a princess. I don’t have my dress anymore but would no way fit into it if I did!

 

We don’t have a huge income so our wedding day was only ever going to be a small affair but that suits us! We don’t have a huge circle of friends to invite to a sit down meal at a fancy venue so we would never have had a celebration like that even if we could afford it. Its just not us.

 

It was all done on a budget … just over £1000 for the whole day. Hoping to do the renewal day on the same kind of budget or less really if we can. So the ceremony is already booked at the Registry Office. On our actual 10th Wedding Anniversary but that is as far as we have got so far! I have until June next year and I have spent hours if not days completely lost in Pinterest trying to get some ideas. Seen so many wonderful things I don’t know where to start!

So there may well be a series of “Planning” Posts as we head towards our second big day! Can’t wait to share with you. I’m so looking forward to the day and exchanging vows again knowing how far we have come in our relationship, knowing how much our love has grown, how many obstacles we have swerved along our journey! I love this man so very much and am very proud to be his Wife!

 

 

 

What’s for Dinner: Slow Cooked Gammon in Apple Juice

I love using the slow cooker for a variety of meals! This one in particular is a firm fave in our house!

It is ridiculously easy too which is always a bonus! You literally need 3 things:

A Slow Cooker

A Gammon Joint

250ml of Apple Juice

Pour in the apple juice, add the gammon, put on HIGH for 4 hours or LOW for 8 hours.

Simple as that!! The meat is so moist and tender when its ready! Thats why in the below picture it looks like I am unable to carve meat… haha! I can but it literally falls apart when I put a knife to it! So delicious!

You could have this in so many ways! With a jacket potato and salad, in an omelette, with baby potatoes and veg, Egg and Chips…… the list is endless!

We had ours with a rice called Nasi Goreng which is an Indonesian Fried Rice. It was absolutely beautiful! I have also cooked Gammon in Orange juice too and it is beautiful too but we slightly prefer the Apple.

I hope you enjoy this recipe! Let me know what you think or if you have any other suggestions to cook Gammon in!

The Parenting Struggle is Real!

Today…. it really is! Today I cannot win at parenting. I feel like its all out of my control. That makes me feel shit.

I really am not one for making out my life is perfect. It is far from being doused in the smell of roses!! I generally am a happy person, very laid back and quite care free. But today I do care, today I am not feeling laid back…. today feels like a huge pus filled zit on the arse of parenting!

 

My poor baby boy is very unsettled indeed with his colic and reflux issues and no amount of Mummy love or cuddles is settling or comforting him. All I want to do is help him and take his pain away but today is not letting that happen. I long for the day that he grows out of this. It is not an inconvenience at all…. I just want him to not suffer. I just want to not witness him bright red in the face screaming the house down and not being able to help him. I hate it! I hate Colic and Reflux!

 

My older 2 kids seem to have found a whole load of hate for each other. They have always been so close! It breaks my heart. It is such petty crap they argue over too. They literally cannot be in the same room as each other for longer than 2 minutes before all hell breaks loose! I hate it!! What has happened to their relationship?! I cannot win at that either. I do not take sides, I tell them both they are as bad as each other which they are and I get accused of taking sides. I get accused of like the other more than them. I am wrong because I’m not backing either of them. If they had valid arguments then I would but “Mum…. he/she breathed in my direction” is not valid. It’s ridiculous. I am sick of listening to it and I just want them to get along. Having to tell 2 of my children that if they can’t stand each other then don’t communicate or go near each other is AWFUL. Its awful because I have seen these two be so close, have so much fun, laugh together. Where did it all go so wrong? It’s daily! I hate it!!

 

So today is pants quite frankly! I feel like a rubbish mother because I can’t control these crappy things that are going on! How do I make things better? How do I get them to like each other again?

 

Bring on tomorrow!! Tomorrow is a new day!

 

 

Top Must-Haves for New Parents

Must have items for when you have a new baby?? What would be top of your list?? It’s not cheap this parenting malarkey but I think there are certain things that really do need to be bought to help out!!

I asked some lovely bloggers their thoughts plus have added my own in too….

“Ours is the Snuza Hero Monitor as our second son has silent reflux which causes apnea. It just clips on the nappy to be in contact with the skin. It’s been a god send for reassurance for us as it made me so paranoid.” Emma from Ready, Freddie, Go! 

 

“A tumble dryer as you will never do as much washing as you do with a newborn and you need it to dry quickly!” Kelly from The Best Version of Kelly

“A compact Stroller that lies completely flat. Perfect for having in the car for when the pram isn’t needed.” Lyndsay from My Family of Roses

 

“Car seat bases! They were an absolute god send when my twins were tiny, especially with the British weather – no one wants to be faffing with seatbelt in the rain.” Beth from Twinderelmo

 

“Jumperoo for when they are a bit older, my youngest loved it from about 4 months… was a godsend.” Rachel from Blogging Mummy

 

“Fisher Price Newborn to Toddler Rocker, it’s the only thing my son would settle in when he first came home from hospital. We got 2 years use out of it and it was used daily!” Jenni from Chilling with Lucas

I have to add we have one of these too and Fraser loves it. It can be set to rock mode or sturdy laid back mode which he spends a lot of time in sleeping in the day time.

“There are lots of baby books out there but I swear by Jo Tantum ‘Baby Secrets’ which combines the best advice from all camps (routine Vs no routine). She’s helped me have kids that have proper nap times on a regular basis which is essential for staying sane as parents!!” Jodie from Maidenhead Mum

 

“A sling or baby carrier. They let you keep your hands free but still meet the needs of a velcro baby!” Kim from Raising a Ragamuffin

I have used a baby wrap this time! I never did with my 2 older children. It is great for getting on with other bits and baby is happy because they are close to you, although getting trickier on my back the heavier Fraser gets! Haha! 

“A baby monitor with screen, I was anxious when the babies were small and this was fantastic for letting me potter around the house while they were napping, with my mind entirely at rest.” Vikki from Family Travel With Ellie

“We loved Ewan the Dream Sheep for white noise. It really helped the little man settle at night.” Emma from Me and B Make Tea

 

“Not quite an item but steady hands, cutting a newborns fingernails is terrifying haha! And a little box of changing stuff in different rooms, nappies, wipes, muslin cloths etc makes life so much easier”. Eileen from 2 Nerds and a Baby

 

” I loved having a baby changing table as it totally helped my sore back plus I had a section so made it so much easier. I got the one that doubles as a set of drawers as well so plenty of space for the babies clothes.” Laura from The Breastest News

 

“For me, My Tommee Tippee perfect prep machine was a life saver! Loved it” Daisy from Daisy & Belle

We absolutely adore our Perfect Prep machine too! This would be top of my list of must haves!! 

“A baby sling. So much comfort for baby and a sanity saver for parents!” Arabella from Exeter Baby Activities

“A dishwasher and Washer/Dryer! One of those robot vacuums would be great too!” Victoria from Lylia Rose

 

“Personally I would say those Finnish baby boxes, a carrier, a good car seat, and some books. We were bought so much as gifts after the boys were born so we could have got away with only buying the bare minimum and big items. The Finnish baby box have everything you need for those first few weeks and I loved baby wearing. It really helped my youngest who had reflux. Having a car seat is essential to get home from hospital and gives a lot of freedom to get out and about once the baby arrives and books for both parents and baby because its important to make “me time” and reading to babies can really help with the bonding process”. Emma from Our Fairytale Adventure

 

“Muslin cloths, they were my ultimate baby item. I remember my mam buying me a pack and I didn’t see why I’d need them but I was proved wrong. They are great as burp cloths, bibs, to wipe up spills and muck, to use as a changing mat when you have to change in an unexpected place, to cover up when breastfeeding if you don’t feel comfortable. They are useful for so many things!” Lauren from Blogger Mummy Lauren

 

“For me, baby wearing was a godsend. We used a Mei Tai carrier which provided the close comfort but allowed you to be hands free at the same time. It’s hands down the best thing that we bought, that and plenty of muslin cloths”. Karina from Mum’s the Nerd

 

“For me it has to be the Angelcare sound and movement monitor. The mat lays under the mattress and detects the smallest amounts of movement and therefore monitors babies breathing. Sometimes babies fall into such a deep sleep their breathing can slow a little. If the monitor does not detect movement for 30 seconds it emits a loud beep to not wake but stir the baby from the deep sleep and start normal breathing. If it continues to not detect movement then the alarm goes off. HAs given me constant peace of mind with my first and now my second and I would not be without it. We have recommended it so many times”. Heidi from Southern Mummy

 

A pram you love. I know its a big investment at the time but you spend so much time pushing it, rocking it, walking with it that its worth investing – and it will last for later children. Its worth getting one which will take the car seat so you don’t have to transfer when they fall asleep”. Naomi from The Organised Life Project

 

A decent pram is another one on my list! We went for the Mothercare Orb this time and have had no issues with it other than converting it from pram to pushchair! I nearly threw it out the window, it was tricky but I got there in the end! 

 

“Muslins (for them) and Wine, big old sense of humour and Mum friends (for you)”. Frances from You Have to Laugh

 

“A stretchy wrap! I had an AMA Wrap and I don’t know how I would have done without it! Hands Free cuddles”. Helen from The Mumatron Blog

 

What would be top of your list of Must Haves?

 

 

 

 

 

The First 3 Months

My word…. it goes so quickly doesn’t it!!? These first 3 months have flown by!

Fraser hasn’t had the easiest of starts but has still been an absolute dream. He was sleeping 4-5 hours a night from a week old. I, as most parents really love my sleep so have cherished this enormously! We have really been blessed in that respect as our older two children were also very good with their sleep!

 

Now this time around I’ve come across and am struggling with a couple of things I’ve not experienced before!! Reflux and Colic!! Wow! Like babies don’t create enough extra washing without throwing up over 5 different outfits a day! Haha!

It started when Fraser was about 2 weeks old. The vomit!! The sheer amount of baby vomit! HE was pretty much throwing up after every feed! Time to see a doc! The doctor advised us that from the symptoms we had described, Fraser has reflux! Well this was a new one to us! He prescribed Infant Gaviscon which was to be put into every feed. We saw the effects almost immediately, which was great. This lasted 3 whole days then the vomit returned! Back to the docs we went. This time we were advised that it could be an intolerance to the formula so we were prescribed a cows milk free formula. Wow that stuff was gross! It had the consistency and smell of a very thick cheese sauce! *gag* ….. it made absolutely no difference whatsoever and we tried it for the 2 weeks that we were told to so we switched back to his original formula. After a little while the vomiting subsided by itself. We were so relieved. Well…. for a while, until the colic kicked in! Another new thing for us!

 

 

At about 4 weeks old, one particular evening Fraser was VERY upset. He had been fed and changed, I had tried to burp him, nothing. I tried my hardest to comfort him, trying all sorts of positions holding him, walking around with him, over my legs, on my shoulder, in the pram… nope nothing worked, he was screaming the place down like I had never heard before. That kind of scream where their little faces go bright red and you are willing them to take a breath. It was awful and I felt bloody useless. I called 111 for advice because I had tried everything and I just did not know what else to do. They asked me a series of questions and by this point Fraser had been screaming or almost 2 hours solid. They said they were sending an ambulance, because he was so little they didn’t want to take any risks. PANIC MODE!!! I am crap at situations like this and stated crying on the phone, that then made my daughter cry, she’s 14 and was a real rock to me that night. Hubby was at work. The paramedics turned up and checked him over and within 5 minutes of them being there he stopped crying! How typical is that!?? They still wanted him to go to hospital to get checked over. All his stats seemed ok so that was something. Mum in Law came over to sit with the older two and I went with Fraser in the ambulance. Got to children A&E and the nurses done all the checks again, asked me a few questions, weighed him…. they couldn’t find a thing wrong with him! I felt like such an idiot!! They kept reassuring me that I had done the right thing. Just glad he was ok!

We have had so much fun and laughter with this little boy! He’s generally a very happy chappy! His 1st smile made me melt and his 1st proper laugh (a real belly chuckle!) actually made me cry! He’s so funny!

 

We still have the colic and reflux issues but we are battling through, the docs don’t appear to be listening but I’ve made the choice to change his milk to a comfort milk. There does seem to be less vomit but it hasn’t cleared completely. Its good to know that colic and reflux are both things he will eventually grow out of.

 

 

Fraser is also suffering from a touch of Plagiocephaly – Flat Head Syndrome. Another new thing to us!! We are following advise to correct it and it is slowly improving. Resting his head to the opposite side that is affected, holding him more, lots of tummy time, he absolutely loves sitting up and seeing whats going on around him at the moment so we’ve bought him a Fisher Price sit-me-up which he likes to sit in but not for too long. Hopefully it will continue to improve and no further action will be needed. In his cot we also use a BabyMoov Cosy Dream, its like a padded cushion/mat that he sleeps on thats moulded around the head and that helps prevent flat head syndrome too.

 

This boy loves his milk! He is on 8oz bottles 4 times a day… generally 9am – 1pm – 5pm – then 9pm then bath and bed! He sleeps right through now… 10 hours a night!! Very very blessed! I think he will be great by the time is comes to weaning. I’m not sure he will last until the full 6 months and I do really want to hold it off for as long as I possibly can. His older brother was a milk and food lover and used to scream when either had finished as he was enjoying it so much! LOL! I can see Fraser being the same! He already is with his milk!

Unlike his older siblings he really loves his baths! He loves to kick about in the water and loves being washed with lots of bubbles! Baby friendly bubbles of course! The older two used to scream the place down at bath time so this is a refreshing change!

 

So Fraser was 3 months old on the 28th July. He is smiling, laughing, holding toys for a short amount of time, he has discovered his hands, he has almost fully rolled from his back onto his front just one arm got stuck underneath him, he hasn’t managed the other way though just yet. He is vocal and starting to “shout”  especially when excited! He loves to watch the colours on the TV, he adores music!!

Despite all the throwing up he is gaining weight well. As of today he weighs 18lbs exactly! He is going to be a bruiser!!

 

Fraser is going to be such a character I can tell! His 1st 3 months have been great even if a little bit stressful. I can’t wait to see what the next 3 bring!!

 

 

 

 

A Mothers Love

My heart is fit to burst with love.

I remember when I was pregnant with Izabel I was excited but scared. Will I be a good Mum? Will I be able to do my very best for her? What if I don’t know what to do and fail as a Mum?

When she was born… wow! The love I felt for her instantly was incredible! Breath taking! I looked down at her tiny face and felt so proud that she was mine! That love is still there, as is the pride but now almost 15 years later it is so so much more. She is good a everything she does, she is kind, caring, loving, even if a little bit stroppy at times (wonder who she gets that from haha!) and she is the most beautiful girl in the whole world! These days I look up to her (she’s 6ft tall!) and feel overwhelmed with love and pride! She puts her all into everything. School, Sport, Art, being a good sister to her 2 little brothers, she helps me out when Ed is at work. She is so amazing with her baby brother, it makes me want to cry every time I see her with Fraser. She is a natural, she feeds and winds him, changes his nappy, makes him smile. Izzy is growing up into a mature, kind, and genuine lady who cares so much for others. There is a special love between us as Mum and Daughter, we are close, she can talk to me about anything and I hope that never changes.

 

Just over 3 years after Izzy was born, Xavier arrived into our lives! I had a boy! I worried that I wouldn’t be able to share the HUGE amount of love I had for Izzy, how could I possibly love another child as much as I love my girl? But again…. as soon as I looked into those tiny eyes I fell head over heels! My heart doubled in size with love! Izzy totally adored her little brother and was amazing from day 1! Xavier has had a tough time over his school years and I fought hard after his Autism diagnosis to get him in the right school, over 3 years it took me! We have had challenging times at home but I done so much research and really understood Xavier. I get him, I know how he works, I know his likes and dislikes. He is such a special boy! He is 11 and is hugely caring, polite and kind. I am so so very proud of all the achievements he has made so far in his life, big and small, each one is special as I know how hard some of them have been for him. He is so loving. When I was recently pregnant he looked out for me lots, was very interested in the baby, kissed my baby bump EVERY day. He was so excited about having a brother! He said he will teach him how to play computer games when he’s older! Haha! Now I was worried, sounds silly as Xavier was so excited about becoming a big brother but the idea of it whilst I was pregnant and then another little person actually being here are 2 very different things. I hoped it wouldn’t turn his world upside down when baby arrived and it hasn’t! Not at all! Xavier loves Fraser so much. I do think he finds him a little boring at the moment as at 9 weeks old, Fraser doesn’t really do much but he does love it when baby smiles at him. I’m so proud of him as he has been through a lot being in 2 mainstream schools and now his amazing Special Needs school. He has coped so well considering and has changed so much, he’s not angry anymore, he rarely kicks off, he’s calm, loving and so bloody clever it scares me! I have such high hopes for his future! He’s  such a gorgeous boy, I love him so very much.

 

Ed and I thought we were done doing our bit for the population!! Alas no! I was on the pill, had endometriosis and ovarian cysts over the years since I had Xavier. So last September when I found out I was pregnant it was such a shock!! A HUGE shock! I was worried as years and years previously we had discussed having one more child but Ed was happy with the 2 we had so wasn’t up for anymore. Obviously after 11 years I had come to terms with the fact that there would be no more and concentrated on bringing up the 2 we had the best we could. I was so worried about telling Ed he was going to be a Daddy again! He took it all in his stride after the initial shock. The kids were bouncing off the walls, they were so excited! Izzy cried and Xaviers eyes were a bit watery! It was such a lovely reaction! I had a terrible pregnancy that threw pretty much everything at me! I panicked that I’d forgotten everything as it had been so long since I had a baby, he is here now and I still feel like a first timer!! Its such a shock to the system after such a big gap! When Fraser was born, when I first set eyes on him I cried! He looked so much like Izzy when she was born! That was the 1st thing I said! “OMG he looks like Izzy!” My heart tripled in size…. bursting with love! Fraser is an absolute joy! Blowing my own trumpet here but Ed and I do make beautiful children! He has slept through 6-7 hours from about a week old. We are having issues with colic which is new to us but its all about research and learning. He’s such a good boy and so smiley and happy!

 

The older 2 absolutely adore him and it makes me so proud to call all 3 of these children mine! I am the luckiest Mother in the world and there is no love in the world like a Mothers Love!

 

 

The Birth of Our Son

So my due date was the 8th May. My pregnancy was pretty rough from the day I found out to be honest. I had pretty much everything thrown at me this time around. Heavy bleeds, nausea, sickness, SPD, bad back, swollen legs feet and ankles, extra amniotic fluid, gestational diabetes and I was also diagnosed with an underachieve thyroid whilst pregnant! It was pretty eventful to be honest with all the extra scans and consultant appointments. Very different to my 2 previous pregnancies! With it also having been 11 years since my last pregnancy my body was feeling it big time! You can see from the picture above how much extra fluid I was carrying! Once baby was born I was told I had at least 2 litres of fluid!!

Due to previous lung issues I was told I would have to have a c-section rather than natural. I was ok with that as I just wanted what was best for Baby and myself of course. I was given a date of the 5th May initially. Then that was moved forward to the 3rd of May because of their discovery of extra fluid and the Gestational Diabetes.

On 27th April I was getting really bad back pains. I’d never had back labour before. I had no idea what was happening. It got to the point where I had to stop what I was doing as the pains were really quite painful! I called the Maternity Triage for advice all along just thinking my back pains were due to the heavy load I was carrying! They wanted to just check me over so my sister took me in.

They done the usual checks and then done an internal examination! I was 2cm! Baby had decided it was time! I was told I had to stay in and my section would be happening the following morning! If things progressed overnight they would do an emergency one! WOW now I was scared!! I felt I was pregnant for an eternity and now the time had come. I let Hubby know what was happening and he text me to say he was scared. Awww I wanted to hug him so much.

He arrived the next morning once I’d given him the OK when the consultant had been round. My mum brought him up to the hospital with the children, they waited in the downstairs cafe with my Mum whilst we were in Theatre.

There he is in all his glory!! Scrubs!! He is 6ft 4 so I was shocked they found some long enough! Shortly after this pic was taken we went down to theatre. My previous 2 births were natural so this was all new to me! I was starting to get a bit nervous but also excited because our baby boy was coming soon!

All the lights and screens and instruments and machines in theatre were a little overwhelming when I first went in. The staff were AMAZING though, completely made me feel at ease. I sat on the bed in theatre hugged a pillow and leaned forward whilst they done the epidural. Ed reported back after that the size of the needle they used was impressive! Luckily needles don’t bother me!

Such an odd sensation when they are lifting your legs about and you are watching them but you can’t feel a thing!! Weirdest sensation EVER! The screen soon went up and the operation was underway!

What an absolutely amazing picture Ed took!! I will cherish this always!! He here is!! Fraser Jenson was born at 12.06pm on 28th April. He weighed a healthy 8lb 3oz. When i first saw his face I cried and said OMG he looks like Izzy (his big sister). I can’t believe how soon after they said they were starting the op, that they then lowered the screen and showed us him! Amazing!! Obviously its a much longer process to sew me back up after!

He was wrapped up and given to me straight away after the checks. Totally in awe of him!

 After a little while we were back on the ward and my Mum and the kids came to meet him!! They are all besotted with him. The kids adore their baby brother and it makes my heart swell every time I see them together. We are so very lucky.

We were home the following day!! So soon but theres nothing like recovering in your own home.

Our new family of FIVE!

Biggest Shock EVER

September the 15th….. enough was enough. I had been feeling awful for a good couple of weeks. It was time to give in, time to call the doctors!!

The horrific pains in my boobs actually had me in tears…. I couldn’t even take my bra off. I was sleeping constantly, actually couldn’t get enough sleep. I kept feeling like I had an upset tummy. I needed answers!!

Spoke to doc initially on the phone and he told me to come in and see him and bring a urine sample. I didn’t think anything of it…. I was on the pill and had been for 2 years. Never missed a single one. I just thought maybe he would check for a urine infection or something?

He told me when i arrived that he would get a pregnancy test out of the way. I didn’t even flinch at that as I knew I was covered by the pill…. just thought it was something they had to rule out.

He stood with his back to me, armed with a pipette full of my wee…. releasing drops onto a pregnancy test. Almost immediately he turned his head and asked again if I was on the pill, I responded Yes…. he then asked me which one so I answered him. He then asked if I had ever missed any? I replied with a very confident NO! The next words that came out of his mouth knocked me for six!!

“Ok, well you are very much Pregnant!!!”

 

OH EM GEE!!!! HOW??? WHAT THE…..??!! SHIT!

I burst into hysterics!!! Im not sure he knew what to do! Haha! My 3 most used words that day were OH MY GOD! I truly was in shock!! I couldn’t believe it!! My children are almost 14 and almost 11!!! I drove home from the docs through tears of utter shock! I wasn’t upset I was just totally dumbfounded!!

Ok… now I had to tell Hubby! He was asleep as he works nights… I had to wake him up! He sat up in bed when he heard my sobs! His lil screwed up sleepy face looked at me and I said “I’m Pregnant!!” he said “shit how did that happen??” Then he just sat staring into space for a lil while and laid back down and went back to sleep! (The next morning when he came in from work he bounced through the door talking about stocking up on nappies and some bottle making gadget he had seen online! )

I let Ed tell the kids the following morning. Izabel cried her eyes out she was SO happy!! Xavier is also incredibly excited!! He kisses my tummy every day. It was such a wonderful response from them.

Next lot of madness running through my head was “How far along am i??” I had no periods at all on the pill so I had no way of even roughly working out how far gone I was.

Over the next couple of days I popped into my docs surgery to fill out a pregnancy pack and asked if I could be sent for a dating scan. This was all arranged quite quickly. I had piled on a few pounds over the previous months and then starting worrying that maybe I was half way through already?!

So…. scan day arrives!!! By this point I had convinced myself I was at least 15 weeks+…. actually no… I was 6+3 HAHA! So very wrong! The tiny lil pip on the screen measured 7mm but we managed to see the heart beat! It was so amazing! It made it more real. The shock had worn off by this point. Hubby and I were very excited!

So I am now 10+2 and suffering terribly from nausea and sickness. I never had any of this with my other 2. Its awful. Ive lost almost a stone and a half so far so its dropping off me everywhere except for my tummy. I look much further along than I am.

I feel terrible, exhausted, sick, I can sleep for England! Its been so long since I was last pregnant but I just don’t remember ever feeling this awful before! Hopefully this phase will pass soon and I will be able to function again.

I know it will all be worth it in the end. This is going to be one VERY loved baby.

 

It’s the Little Things

……that really mean so much!

Since Xavier joined his amazing new school in April his confidence has grown greatly! It really blows me away. It may only be little things to most people but they are huge to me. He can do up the buttons on his polo shirt…. he can put on his own socks… he eats ham… he actually asked me if he could try a pistachio nut the other day. He is wanting to try new things. This evening I had sweet potato for the first time and he tried a bit and didn’t like it but he just ate it and didn’t run to the bin to spit it out. He is becoming more independent with going to the toilet at home. Yes, he is almost 10 years old but he has dyspraxia which affects his motor skills. He has sensory issues too and his toileting issues have been apparent for many years now. He came home from school last week with a Star of The Week certificate for “talking to an adult when he gets angry or frustrated”. I am so incredibly proud of him!

I have been (still am) really unwell lately with my mental health and other things… too many to list here and the last thing I want to do is bore you haha! Izabel has been offering to do little chores for me at home to take the strain off. I think she sees that I am struggling and is being very grown up and really helping me out. Again it may only be little things like loading or unloading the dishwasher or feeding the cats but it all helps. I cannot believe she will be 13 in a matter of weeks! How on earth am I a mother to a teenager? Where did those years go? She is a good girl, despite her usual hormonal strops and I am incredibly proud of her too! She is growing up to be a very beautiful, kind and caring young lady.

Never take the “little things” for granted. I certainly won’t!

From the Heart

I have been bottling this all up for months… years even!

I feel broken! I am married with 2 beautiful children but feel completely on my own and feel that everything is closing in around me. My world is crashing down. Broken.

I have spent nearly all day today in tears. I feel so down. I just have to deal with it though. I have to be strong. Right now I don’t feel I can carry this “I’m ok” falseness anymore. I’m not a fake person so why am I pretending to be ok? I feel like a fraud.

I recently received my son Xavier’s report from the Educational Psychologist and since reading it EVERYTHING has hit me like a ton of bricks! I deal with all this on my own. I deal with the Autism on my own, the schooling issues on my own, the specialist and hospital appointments, the violence and rage after a bad day at school, the bullied child…. on my own. I deal with my daughter who is going through massive changes in her life right now… she’s started to develop, so hormones are well and truly kicking in, she has to deal with her brothers violence sometimes, she is moving to secondary school in september, she’s asking about periods and puberty… I’m dealing with it all on my own. That is my job as Mum I know but I thought along this long and bumpy road of Parenthood, I would have some support. Nothing.

I have had 3 breakdowns previously. I have been sat on my kitchen floor hugging my knees and rocking and screaming to be locked up in a mental hospital. Crying out for help. Nothing.

I have come through those breakdowns all on my own! I made the decision a couple of years ago to come off my anti depressants as I was starting to feel better and knew I could do it… on my own. I did too! I did it! I picked myself up… dusted myself off and was stronger than I had been for a good few years…. until now.

I feel like I have been falling and falling for months and months on end and now I have hit that very unhappy place called Rock Bottom! That place I didn’t want to return to… ever! Like being stuck in quick sand and reaching out and struggling to keep from getting sucked in…. but I am drowning in that quick sand.

I shouldn’t be dealing with all of this on my own at all and that adds to my sadness. My kids are my WORLD I love them to the moon and back a million times over. I want to be the best mum I can be at all times. I want them to feel they can open up their little hearts to me about anything and everything. I want them to be happy. I want to be happy!

As soon as I found out my son had Autism I ordered loads of books, visited lots of websites and totally knackered google trying to find out everything there is to know about Autism so I can be prepared and deal with it in the best way I possibly can. Why can’t others put a bit of effort into this? Should it be just me doing this or making these steps? We have this in our lives now forever and I have embraced that. I love my son for who he is. I would not change him for anything and I accept the Autism. Why can’t others who are close to him accept him for who he is? He has been through so much and must do on a daily basis, he is in his 2nd mainstream school at the moment and this still isn’t the right setting for him so I am hoping and praying that he gets his Statement of Educational Needs so he can be moved to a Special Needs school. He is 8 and he has cried to me that he doesn’t want to live anymore and can I take away his Autism as he wants to be normal. It breaks my heart.

I have been battling this for so long now, people say to me “Oh you’re so strong!” No no! I must just be a good actress as I feel as though I am going to crumble into a million pieces any time now. I didn’t sign up for this to do it on my own! I take my hat off to those who do!

I will ALWAYS be there for my children until the day I die…. but sometimes… just sometimes, I need a hug and need someone to tell me that everything is going to be ok.