From the Heart

I have been bottling this all up for months… years even!

I feel broken! I am married with 2 beautiful children but feel completely on my own and feel that everything is closing in around me. My world is crashing down. Broken.

I have spent nearly all day today in tears. I feel so down. I just have to deal with it though. I have to be strong. Right now I don’t feel I can carry this “I’m ok” falseness anymore. I’m not a fake person so why am I pretending to be ok? I feel like a fraud.

I recently received my son Xavier’s report from the Educational Psychologist and since reading it EVERYTHING has hit me like a ton of bricks! I deal with all this on my own. I deal with the Autism on my own, the schooling issues on my own, the specialist and hospital appointments, the violence and rage after a bad day at school, the bullied child…. on my own. I deal with my daughter who is going through massive changes in her life right now… she’s started to develop, so hormones are well and truly kicking in, she has to deal with her brothers violence sometimes, she is moving to secondary school in september, she’s asking about periods and puberty… I’m dealing with it all on my own. That is my job as Mum I know but I thought along this long and bumpy road of Parenthood, I would have some support. Nothing.

I have had 3 breakdowns previously. I have been sat on my kitchen floor hugging my knees and rocking and screaming to be locked up in a mental hospital. Crying out for help. Nothing.

I have come through those breakdowns all on my own! I made the decision a couple of years ago to come off my anti depressants as I was starting to feel better and knew I could do it… on my own. I did too! I did it! I picked myself up… dusted myself off and was stronger than I had been for a good few years…. until now.

I feel like I have been falling and falling for months and months on end and now I have hit that very unhappy place called Rock Bottom! That place I didn’t want to return to… ever! Like being stuck in quick sand and reaching out and struggling to keep from getting sucked in…. but I am drowning in that quick sand.

I shouldn’t be dealing with all of this on my own at all and that adds to my sadness. My kids are my WORLD I love them to the moon and back a million times over. I want to be the best mum I can be at all times. I want them to feel they can open up their little hearts to me about anything and everything. I want them to be happy. I want to be happy!

As soon as I found out my son had Autism I ordered loads of books, visited lots of websites and totally knackered google trying to find out everything there is to know about Autism so I can be prepared and deal with it in the best way I possibly can. Why can’t others put a bit of effort into this? Should it be just me doing this or making these steps? We have this in our lives now forever and I have embraced that. I love my son for who he is. I would not change him for anything and I accept the Autism. Why can’t others who are close to him accept him for who he is? He has been through so much and must do on a daily basis, he is in his 2nd mainstream school at the moment and this still isn’t the right setting for him so I am hoping and praying that he gets his Statement of Educational Needs so he can be moved to a Special Needs school. He is 8 and he has cried to me that he doesn’t want to live anymore and can I take away his Autism as he wants to be normal. It breaks my heart.

I have been battling this for so long now, people say to me “Oh you’re so strong!” No no! I must just be a good actress as I feel as though I am going to crumble into a million pieces any time now. I didn’t sign up for this to do it on my own! I take my hat off to those who do!

I will ALWAYS be there for my children until the day I die…. but sometimes… just sometimes, I need a hug and need someone to tell me that everything is going to be ok.