hol6

All About Me – Day 1- #Blogtober17

This month I am joining in on a blog challenge! Blogtober 2017. I will blog every day for a whole month! Today is Day 1 and the subject is “All About Me”.

So here goes!!

blogtober17, all about me

I am Lucie, a 38 year old mother of 3 and Wife to Ed! Married for 9 years… together for almost 16 years!!  We live in West Sussex. My beautiful children are Izzy, almost 15, Xavier is 11 and Fraser is 5 months old.

I am 2nd oldest of 4 girls! Yes! Three sisters! It was MURDER growing up haha! Mum & Dad have been married for 42 years.  Dad sadly has been diagnosed with Alzheimers so very tough times ahead for all of us. This makes me so so sad.

I started writing my blog 4 and a half years ago when I was going through struggles with the education system with Xavier who is Autistic. After two mainstream schools failed him he is now in the most amazing Special Needs School and thriving. I love writing. I really wish I had discovered Blogging sooner! There is the most amazing community of people that comes with the blogging world! So friendly and helpful. I have made lots of friends through this too and met some real lovely people.

 

Other things I love to do…. enter competitions! I have been a little slack lately but this has been my hobby for almost 12 years now! I have won some amazing prizes in that time. A trip to New York in 2007 and a trip to Dubai in 2012 are by far my two best ever wins! Just incredible! I have won so many lovely things that I have been able to gift to family and friends that I wouldn’t be able to afford. Cameras, mobiles, iPads, toys, vouchers, an american fridge freezer, microwave… the list really is endless. I also got the chance to meet David Beckham 7 years ago through competitions! A fellow comper won the chance but couldn’t go so let me go instead! I was beside myself. Very beautiful and very lovely man! Below is Ed and I in New York on our prize trip!

New York, competition, winner

I also love football!! My daughter does too! She played league football for 6 years but sadly at the end of last season her team folded so I am now lost on Sundays. I used to love watching her play. We are the football fans and the males in the house aren’t fussed! Not sure about Fraser yet! Hopefully he will be a footballer.

 

I love my family, I love to cook, I love reading books but I don’t seem to have the time to do that anymore. Same with drawing. I used to do a lot of that but don’t have spare time these days! Haha! The joys of motherhood! Something else I really enjoy is listening to music. I don’t do it often enough. It is so therapeutic.

 

all about me, blog challenge, family,

 

I will openly admit to suffering from Depression on and off for most of my adult life. I’m currently on a bit of a downwards spiral with Post Natal Depression but fighting it hard. Writing this blog helps me so much. Writing in general I find a massive help, it is a great release. It should be spoken about and not be a taboo subject.

 

So this is me! Mum, cook, cleaner, cuddler, wifey, daughter, sister, referee, taxi service, slightly crazy, life loving, blog writing Lucie!

 

#Blogtober17

 

 

hol6

Post Natal Meltdown

The meltdown has begun. I have been dreading this for a while. It has been slowly creeping up on me.

My head feels heavy. My chest feels like it is bearing the weight of 100 elephants.

I am fighting so hard to stop the tears from flowing. It is back.

I feel lost under a black cloud.

I feel alone even though I have people around me.The walls are closing in, I’m trapped.

My mind is not where I want it to be. It has been taken over by the negativity.

I don’t want this battle, I don’t have the energy to fight.

I’m tired, no exhausted and don’t have the strength to stand tall.

I am not me. Where did “me” go? I want her back. I have a responsibility. I need to get up and fight this with every ounce of my being.

How can I find this strength?  I admit defeat…. I need help! I need support. I need positivity.

My ability to focus has disappeared. Gone. Vanished into thin air.

This place is familiar and not a place I have fond memories of or a place I wanted to revisit.

I feel nauseous and dizzy. My brain is mush, there is so much… too much going on in there.

Just want to sleep. For a week! Want to hide under the security of my duvet. But I can’t.

I have lost myself. I need to find me, pamper me, treat me and be kind to me.

I am a very lucky mum to have 3 beautiful healthy children.

I am a very lucky wife to have such a supportive and loving husband.

But I’m still lost!! I’m drowning, drowning in the inability to control my emotions and feelings.

I hate this feeling so much. I hate that I can’t fight it. I hate that it is taking over.

My heart beats so hard it feels like it will rip through my chest. I have to take a deep breath. I have to calm down. It’s so hard. The anxiety is so hard.

I need to be ME again.

On a mission to find ME!

depression, sadness, anxiety, PND

 

 

hol6

Fighting the feelings.

The chesty pains when I leave the house..

Feeling like people are looking at me..

The desperation to get out of that queue in the local grocery store because its all too much..

The need to get back to MY home and my comfortable surroundings..

The desire to get the hell away from hustle and bustle of people going about their lives..

The suffocating feeling that the world is closing in around you.

 

I have had these feelings before, many times, over the years. I can sense them right in the far depths of my being and I refuse to let them bombard me. I absolutely will not be brought down by these feelings. I refuse to let them consume me or beat me.

Depression is such an evil and misunderstood illness.  Anxiety is soul destroying and life consuming.

I hate it because I have no reason to feel “down” … my life is grand. I have three beautiful children who bring me so much joy, a husband who loves me dearly and is my rock and a great support network of friends and family… yet still the black cloud is starting to form in the distance and is heading for me. Why, when your life is happy, busy, full of love, do these feelings still start to take over?

Why does it make you feel uncomfortable to leave your own home? I feel secure and wrapped in my safety blanket indoors and start to feel terror, thinking about leaving the house. Why?

The recognition of these feelings lingering is scary. I’ve been here before and don’t particularly want to be there again. I have a baby and 2 older children to focus on. A renewal of vows to focus on. A blog to write. I have plenty of distractions. Distraction is needed.

I can do this. Focusing on all the good that is going on around me. Not letting the dark cloud reach me and take over my world. That cloud needs to disperse and not return.

I can beat this. I am focused.

This Girl Can

Spectrum Sunday